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Category Archives: My Walk with God

Just some awful thoughts I can’t keep in

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Some people seem to want me to be ashamed of myself for having bipolar disorder, thinking I should hide it from the world. Some think if I have a problem I should always keep it to myself. Some think they are better than I am because I don’t have money. Some think because I’m not perfect, I’m not a Christian. Some think, well whatever they think, and I’m trying not to care but I feel like there is no one on this earth who understands. I feel so alone. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt… oh but shhhh, there I go again, being open. Why do I bother? Maybe all of those someones are right and I’m worthless because I’m poor and mentally ill and not perfect. I’m just too exhausted to care anymore! I don’t want all this hurt, all this worry. I need a break.

A Prayer for Today

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To Do List

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*Set aside time daily to read the Bible
*Read the Bible with my family
*Find a Vacation Bible School nearby for the kids to attend this summer
*Share with my husband and children my daily proofs of God’s love
*Edit photos; God doesn’t put dreams in our hearts for no reason, I think
*Be more loving and less critical of myself and those closest to me
*Pray for God’s guidance in DOING what’s on my to-do list!!

114/365+ proof of God’s love


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It’s another of those days when I can’t point to anything as “proof” – but don’t doubt it, no matter how low I’m feeling, even when in word and deed I battle Him and pull myself away from Him, as I’ve done today, I know He’s there.  I know He loves me and is ready to forgive me and to dry my tears, when I come to Him.

An Empty Tomb

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From this place where I am, so low,
Only human, only so much I can know,
I’ll never on this earth fully grasp the measure
Of the love so great it shares eternal treasure,
Through great pain and sacrifice and suffering
Of a Savior who became a broken king,
So that in His blood all sins might wash away
Forgiven, every one, if we have the heart to say,
“Father, I am sorry, I repent,
I now ask Jesus my Savior in,
That death may have no hold on me,
That in His sacrifice I may be free,
In Jesus’ name, I ask, forgive me everything,
I know He’s risen, Jesus Christ, my king,”
For it is written that on that third day
When the heavy stone was rolled away,
An empty tomb testified,
Our Savior Jesus was alive.

An Empty Tomb, by Karen Ballou 2012©

Life of a Mom: installment seven, fake it ‘ til ya make it

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There are days when I feel empty… I’m working on strong faith that will leave me saying only, “Lord, fill me up.”

My oder daughter, MK, is a lot like me:  a worrier, an “I-need-to-know-everything” girl.   As such, she (and I) tend to sometimes wear expressions of pain, sadness, or at least deep concentration that sometimes make us appear unapproachable, and, worse, miserable.  This world can be unkind to deep-thinkers.  So, at work, I’ve pretty much nailed the fake-smile that looks real.  It’s not lying.  At worst, it’s acting – at best, it’s showing the world an outward expression of how I WANT to feel.  This particular attitude really can work, when I’m not too down, and I’m trying hard to teach MK the art of the fake-it-’til-ya-make-it act.

Today, my husband lost his job.  Not only will I plaster that smile on my face, I will BELIEVE that everything will be okay and that God has a plan for my family.  If I falter in my faith, I’ll continue to pray, to fake it ’til I make it.

Life of a Mom: installment six, faith and others’ opinions

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I’m a Christian.  I am nothing without God.  My life isn’t perfect, but largely the bad stuff is a result of poor decisions, for which I take full responsibility.

As a Mom, of course I share my faith with my children.  If it wasn’t for God answering the prayers of friends and family, I may not be here writing this and my older daughter may not be enjoying sleeping in because it’s Spring Break.  The basis of her life is, quite simply, that her birth, her life, are miracles.  Had I not already had faith, I’d certainly have left that hospital with it ten years ago.

I know other people have other beliefs, other opinions.  I’m not shy about sharing my own testimony, but neither do I try to force my beliefs on others.  That isn’t my style.  Neither would I judge anyone, because that is most definitely not my job.  I have close friends and family who are non-believers; I pray for them and sometimes share what God is doing in my life, but I don’t judge or withhold my love or friendship.  In my own life, I’ve heard more judgmental hype from non-believers or people who have other beliefs than I have from Christians.  It astounds me, the way many of those who say they are open-minded judge those of us who don’t share their beliefs or non-beliefs.

Of course, I will share the faith that is a part of me with my babies; I pray for their salvation maybe, selfishly, even more than anyone else’s.  I know there will come a time when they are out in the world, facing the hardships of life and all its temptations… if they are anything like their parents, they’ll make plenty of mistakes.  I’ll continue to pray and to love them and hopefully they will remember the miracles and blessings they have seen and won’t stray too far!