A Peek into the Window of My Anxiety Experience

When I hear that there is news coming, or changes, but I am not just told that news or the changes are not explained, whether the news or the change is good or bad, I freak out a little.  I can’t understand why anyone would ever give advance notice of something that is coming without giving any clue as to the nature of it.  Panic inevitably sets in.  I have trouble sleeping, because my mind is working out every scenario it can imagine, none of them good.  I become snippy with my loved ones.  I speculate to the point of exhaustion and still my brain won’t turn off.

I’m not experiencing these feelings at this particular moment, but I have recently.  Changes came.  Before they came, I was told changes were coming, then nothing for a couple of  weeks.  Oddly enough, I’m pretty good with change.  I’m pretty adaptable.  It’s NOT KNOWING that eats at me.  I mean, if a change is coming and I’m informed in advance what that change is, I’m even okay with waiting. 

Sometimes, I’m able to use skills I learned from a great therapist to remind myself that even unknown changes won’t kill me, that more than likely whatever is coming, I’ve been through worse & survived.  If I can catch the worry early enough, before it starts messing with my sleep, I’m okay.  I just don’t always get to the mindfulness quick enough.

I also pray.  I believe fully in the power of prayer, because I’ve no doubt that I would not be here without it.  I came very close to death during the birth of my firstborn around 29 weeks.  Many prayed for me & my daughter and we both survived.  I totally believe in miracles… however, once the worry sets in, I obsess and even my prayers begin to drag on to include every disastrous possibility. 

If you’ve taken the time to read this whole little look into one of my anxiety triggers & my reaction to it, please tell me:  am I the only one who does this?  If you don’t live with anxiety as a daily part of your life, how, if at all, do you react to not knowing?  Is there any one thing you do worry about excessively?  Or is my reaction more normal than I imagine it is?

If you do suffer from anxiety or excessive worry, what are some coping strategies you use?

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When I’m in a Shadow

in my own shadow

I cried this morning… at work… so embarrassing. It wasn’t the first time I cried on this long, long Wednesday. I cried over the lyrics of two songs as I drove to work. I cried when I went around a semi in the middle of the road with its hazard lights flashing and saw the car impaled by the big truck. The tears at work were only marginally related to work. I cry too easily & some happenings at work are intensifying some old insecurities. I feel more than a little displaced, uncertain. I am also suffering from insomnia related to anxiety (which is triggering depression) & the insomnia is increasing the anxiety. I don’t think this is what Sir Elton John meant when he sang about the circle of life…