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150/365+ proof of God’s love

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I was too exhausted to stay awake and write this last night, which was day 150.  I don’t love that I was emotionally and sexually abused as a child, I don’t love that my brother and sister and I were sometimes neglected.  I don’t love that I inherited anxiety and bipolar disorder or that I learned unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms that earned me a borderline personality disorder diagnosis or that I still have bouts of depression that make me feel suicidal.  However, I am thankful that my life hasn’t all been peaches and cream, because had it been, I’d have no hope of ever being able to relate to my ten-year-old, whose anger when she doesn’t get her way often leads to violence, as it did yesterday.  For the second time in six months’ time, my husband and I had a police officer talk to her about the fact that kicking people is a crime.  Mind you, my child is 5’2″ & 110 pounds, and all muscle once the adrenaline of her anger sets in and this could be deadly in the car, as she began kicking the tops of my husband’s shoulders as he was driving 70 miles per hour on I-96.  She kicked him several times because after she hit her two-year-old sister with her weekly homework packet, she was told we were not going to the beach.  Proof of God’s love, anywhere in this, you may think would be hard to find.  I had just gotten out of work, I was looking forward to an art fair at my daughter’s school and the beach and I was ready for dinner.  After the child’s drama, dinner was the only part of that any of us had time or energy to enjoy.  Still, God’s love was there in a calming presence that allowed me to, for the most part, keep my cool.  It wasn’t easy, but I reacted better than I feared I might; I am at my wits’ end with this child.  I love her so very much and she is still my miracle baby and one of the biggest blessings in my life.  I pray for the continued strength to be the best mom I can be for her and I fervently pray that she finds an outlet for her feelings that doesn’t involve violence.  I give praise that I can understand her anger with herself and her sadness after an angry outburst and that this allows me at least, to show her that my love is unconditional.

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