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My thoughts are poison


I want to rip my tongue out so I will never speak again, I want to stop these feelings, this trembling, the anger, the fear and please please don’t tell me I just need to pray and count my blessings because life is beautiful and only I can make myself happy.  Just stop reading this right now if you think how I’m feeling is something I can just control without processing it and this is how I do that processing and maybe I should not do it publicly but I do and that is, yes, I realize, MY problem not yours, because you are so freaking in control of every feeling and reaction and oh yeah your life is prefect anyway!  I’m sorry I’m not more like you! 

I’m shaking, my heart is racing and as the anger and irrational hate I’m experiencing subside, the tears come and the children are being so loud, with my older child screaming at her little sister and I want to disappear.  I don’t know who I am right now.  Every thought crossing my mind is violent and toxic.  I need a break or maybe something to break or maybe should not be living the life I’m living at all.  And now I can’t stop crying.  And in my tears are prayers too but I know many are still just going to judge me, maybe I’m evil, eh, because I’m not perfect, because there is something broken in me.  There will never be a place on this earth where I fit in.


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