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It’s Baaaaack..


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Ooof.  That is the sound I make when I’m punched in the gut by the onset of depression.  If only I could find happy!  And keep it for more than a brief moment, that would be nice.

I’ve caught a cold, family drama to which I’m barely privy (maybe because I’m barely family?) upset me yesterday.  I’m skipping details still.

Also skipping details on the state of my finances.  Let’s just say I cried for a solid half hour and then off and on all evening.  I’m so flipping tired.

The tot won’t sleep.  If she would, I would not be blogging right now.

I love this little girl, both my girls, but I need a break.  Which takes money.  Which I don’t have.  Go me.  Almost 40 years old and I can’t even afford a sitter – here comes the negative self-talk:

  I’m a loser
  I’m too stupid to do anything right
    -parenting
    -being a friend
    -being more than a lowly secretary
  I’m hideous
  I’m unlovable

That sums up what my inner self is saying to me tonight.  It is also making me question love.  What I’m coming up with right now is that, other than parental love and possibly friend-love, it doesn’t exist.  I can’t even bring myself to care!  So yes, I’m back to normal.  I’m a downer, eh?  Now I’m wishing for those few days of mania, because this bout feels like it may be serious and long-lived.

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4 responses »

  1. Karen, you are beautiful inside and out…I feel the love that you have for your children and family. Your diagnosis does not make you or define you. Look to your GOD for comfort and peace. I KNOW you will get through this…Help is on the way. Look to GOD.

    Reply
    • Thanks, Cherie. I continue to pray.

      I’m trying to be open and honest about what I’m experiencing. I know this too shall pass. I know I’ve survived worse. I know God’s love is stronger than anything I can experience.

      Thank you for the support. I appreciate it.

      Reply
      • Karen,
        Can I take your girls for a day of fun? Or can I babysit? I really would like to help Karen, I love kids, mine are gone and it would give me something to do that I enjoy.Teresa

  2. I feel for you. That negative voice is the worst. You sound like an amazing mother. I know there is love. There is even love from strangers on here. I for one do care. You are a great writer and person. Hope you feel better soon.

    Reply

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